I wasn't sick, I wasn't tired. I think part of it had to do with those few extra pounds of Christmas pudding squeezing me out of my church clothes.
But, I went to church. And I am so glad I did.
The very first song was
"Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24
Not a very complicated verse. In fact, it may be the very first Bible verse I ever learned as we sang on the way to church during my childhood.
But The Lord spoke to my heart.
THIS is my verse for the year. THIS is my year for living every day to the fullest.
And boy do I need it!
According to my rough calculations,
I was pregnant for 9 months of 2010
7 months of 2011
6 months of 2012
5 months of 2013.
And, although I don't have dangerous pregnancies with medical complications...
I do sorta feel like crud. I have felt like crud for 27 of the last 48 months.
And because I already have a family to run during these pregnancies, here is what that looks like:
*When I have free time, I'm likely to use it reading a book or sleeping or watching a show - very low energy activities. Because energy is a precious resource, hoarded for important things like cooking dinner and doing laundry, not frivilous showers and grooming. Not cleaning the ceiling fan. Not smiling.
*I don't read to my children...because I might throw up on them.
*When friends invite me to do something I answer "Oh! That sounds wonderful! Maybe next time!"
*I don't invite anyone to my house ever, because while I might have lots of energy at the time I invite them, the likelihood of me being able to clean the house or go grocery shopping for the company is pretty low.
And the end result of all of this putting off and ignoring things that need to be done and storing up energy is that my natural bent toward procrastination is magnified.
Also, during pregnancy, while I feel like crud, I become a stoic. Nothing bothers me. Threw up 12 times today...no big deal. Peed in my pants...no big deal. Haven't had a good night's sleep in 5 years...no big deal.
But in doing that, I also lock down all other emotions. Found a good deal on berries...no big deal. Had a baby...no big deal. Heard a funny joke...no big deal. Family flew into town to see me...no big deal.
In an effort to keep the world from turning red with frustration and anger at my own limitations , I have actually turned it grey and depressing. No color. No fun. No laughter. No excitement. No anticipation.
As far as I know, there will be ZERO months of pregnancy in 2014.
And this year I am going to enjoy who I am, where I am, and who I am with TODAY.
Things I'm NOT going to say:
"We'll do that after Glory is potty-trained"
"I'll enjoy doing that after I lose 10 pounds"
"I'm going to buy new clothes once...(insert unreasonable goal)"
"Yes, I'm planning on doing that"
Things I am going to do:
Play loud music. Because I love loud music, and I haven't played music really loud since....high school?
And when it is playing I'm going to dance. Because I love to dance, and my children don't know that about me.
Exercise ALOT. Because I LOVE exercising. I really love it. I feel amazing when everything hurts. I'm going to blame this on 10 years of ballet classes. But it's really about doing something JUST because I love it, and not for any other reason.
And I'm going to drink coffee with cream. No matter what Dr. Fuhrman says. So there.
That's my word for the year.
Because this is the Day.
(I'm going to take lots of pictures, too.)